Happy Holidays...

I love Christmas. I used to hate it- the whole extended family disowning your immediate family thing put quite the damper on the holidays for a few years... but, well, I'm over all that and these days I just get excited about christmas. Christmas to me now means seeing family since I haven't lived with them for a couple years, it means a good meal with my amazing family, it means catching up with friends, playing with my niece, so many good things.
I even love decorating for Christmas- especially in the semi-tacky, home-made sort of way. My apartment currently has a tiny christmas tree decorated with lights, a few ornaments and a really old santa candle that accidentally got melted in half on the radiator as well as strands of red and green construction paper loops. I love it.
And Christmas music and movies?? Don't get me started. I listen to the NSync Christmas CD at least 20 times every Christmas season and watch Elf and White Christmas way too much. Its fantastic.
but. there is one thing about Christmas that I kind of hate. The consumerism of it all. I know, I buy into as much as the next guy... and there is part of it that is really amazing- taking time to know those you love, their needs, and provide for them. But then, it never ends there. There is always way more than needs being met under the christmas tree.
Don't get me wrong- I love getting gifts and giving them really... but especially as I find myself walking to work this week wondering how many people are homeless right now and how many have frozen to death in this week with ridiculously low temperatures? How many could I have helped with the money I spent on unneccessary gifts for my family? How many could I have helped with the money my family will spend on me?? I wish I could say that I just want to give everything I have. but the truth is, I'm still quite selfish. There are things that I'm too cheap to buy for myself that I will get for Christmas and be excited for... it just gets a little more difficult each year to get the two sides of Christmas together in my mind... Consumerism vs. christian charity.

Words and writing use to always be this great outlet for me. I loved to write and rarely thought twice about what anyone else thought of it... but somewhere between high school and college I got tongue-tied. Now I re-think, check and back track. I'm not really sure why- the best part is I do it even in my personal journal that I know no one will ever pick up and read. I think I've got this idea in my head of what it means to be a person of depth and I so desperately want to be that I feel like I have to fit the mold.
Welp. today I'm done. I've never really been good at fitting into any mold- good or otherwise. So here goes nothing, hoping to backtrack into ramblings and thoughts, un-edited and without worry.

I've been dreaming of a small house in the city...

I've got a lot of thoughts in recent days.
Thoughts about contentment, faith, life, love, service, friendship... Thoughts that cannot be followed through to some great logical conclusion. Thoughts that seem to hang in the air around me and so many of those I interact with.
I've recently been described as inconsistently consistent... and I can't help but embrace it as the truth of my life these days. I love the people that are in my life- once a friend, a friend for life. But I'm up, down, over, under and through. Never in the same place two weeks in a row... my apartment is home... but only on the days that I am there which recently seem so few and far between.
This is a place for thoughts. A place that comes with me on all my journeys, a place I hope to find some consistency.
My thoughts edited only by my own inhibitions and ignorance. We'll see in the weeks to come what to make of it all. Until then, I say, Goodnight my dear Harold. Its time for bed.