Breaking up is hard to do...

I have never been a fan of the often given, bandaid removal advice to "just rip it off quick". What? What sense does that make? It hurts horribly in the moment and then continues to hurt for many days, weeks and years (or maybe minutes) afterward. I'm much more of a "Well, what if I just soak my bandaged elbow in the sink for 23.6 minutes even though it gives me a crick in my neck to bend that way and then maybe put some lotion around the bandaid and then soak it for another 3.4 minutes and then slowly pull the bandaid off" methodology. Or the "Just leave it on until it falls off on its own- they are bound to fall off sometime and then what's underneath will be healed!" It may sound ridiculous- but thus far in life, these methodologies have worked tremendously well for me when it comes to bandaids.

My issue comes in that I don't really keep these methodologies just for bandage removal, but also, it would seem, for all changes in life. Rarely is anything just a quick, seamless end. There is always a pondering "will this be the right choice?"- days, weeks and months of this in fact and then once the change has been made there are days weeks and months of "was that right??"

Towards the end of college I began dating a guy- a great guy, hysterical, sarcastic, loved Jesus, challenged me, all around fun to be with. We were together for awhile... albeit most of it ended up being long distance, but it worked for us. However, as my time in college began to grow shorter and shorter and the prospect of us trying to figure out the future together, I freaked out. The freak-out began in March and continued until we finally called it quits in late April. But- in my true fashion I then hemmed and hawed over whether or not I should have broken it off, whether or not I'd ever find someone else as hilarious as he... this continued until the following fall (and still on occasion when I'm having a nervous breakdown moment).

My most recent and epic example of this bandaid removal methodology is my recent (and by recent I mean year long) break-up with my old company. It could have been so simple. It felt like the right choice, I cried, I made it and I moved on. Or so I thought. Sadly, this was not the truth. Since one year ago I have found myself completely confounded as to how to "Just rip it off quick!". I've gone back and forth with many of the big-wigs at the organization about this position or that. I've contemplated going back for just a summer or deciding if there would be any full-time position I could be happy in. And to be honest, I have this fully feeling the saga isn't over. The bandaid is still there. Its time to soak it for another 3.4 minutes and see what happens.

12 days...

12 days ago I made a commitment. I said I was going to make a list of things that I wanted to blog about and then systematically work through them- posting a decent piece of writing, one including a coherent line of though, twice a week.

Correct me if I'm wrong- but 12 days is close to 2 weeks. And here goes post number one...

My amazing need for to-do lists. (AKA- I'll implement this and maybe get back to the goal!)

Structure, plans and commitment have never really been my speciality. I like to fly by the seat of my pants, enjoy the day for what it offers and not be tied down. However, as I've gotten older and been been entrusted with more and more responsibilities I've discovered my planner and to-do lists are imperative for getting anything done efficiently (and, deep down inside I really really love efficiency).

Recently I've not been using my planner (I went about a month without being able to remember where I put it-woops) and in the past week and a half I have been reminded of why my planner became my BFF while in college. When life is pretty calm I can handle all I have to do in my own little brain, juggling one or two things without dropping anything. However, trying to juggle multiple friendships that span multiple cities, states and countries, a job, applying for other jobs, volunteer opportunities, the kids ministry at my church and any other random items thrown my way has proven to be impossible. I can't juggle them all anymore- I need a solid place to carry them.

Its kind of like when I go to the grocery store. I have this thing where I hate getting a cart- I always seem to pick the one with the rickety wheel- but I've recently given in to taking a basket. Without the basket I'm wandering around with chips and shampoo and frozen pizza and carrots tucked under each arm, a bag of apples hooked on my hand some bread and lunch meat somehow captured in the other. If someone gets in my way when I'm walking toward the check-out its all going to get dropped. However, with my handy-dandy basket- I throw it all in, sorting and organizing to be sure the bread doesn't get smushed and the chips stay nice and full and I walk out of the store without the stress of the balancing act.

My planner is that basket. I can put everything in one big to-do list and then sort and organize as things get added, figuring out what needs to be done each day and based on that know how much time I have to spend with others outside of work. I'd forgotten how much I need that organization to be able to live the way I want to.

So here goes nothing- I purchased a new planner this week and I have high hopes for getting back on track with spending my time wisely.

Jackie says I need to blog more...

I try to write things that are meaningful. and deep. and profound.

But usually end up just writing a bunch of jumbled up thoughts that don't really make sense to anyone- myself included. So then I just don't write.

I like the idea of a blog- but I lack the focus of thought. When I sit down to write an entry I find myself jumping from one idea to the next, never actually completing any of them.

I had a friend who, when we would be in deep discussion of things, would always prompt me with "follow that to its logical conclusion". This phrase was both incredibly helpful and incredibly annoying to me. I hated feeling patronized- but, when I would take the time to actually follow my thoughts to their logical conclusion I found that I gained much more insight into whatever we were discussing. I think in the coming weeks and months I'm going to compile a list of things that I've attempted to start entries about or thought about or rabbit trailed off to while writing some other entry and then do my best to sit down and write about each one... Find a thesis statement in it, if you will, and follow it to its logical conclusion. I need the practice writing- I'm horribly out of habit, and really, I need the practice thinking! Its been awhile since I felt I had certainty and a grasp on truth.

So. my goal- 2 posts a week, taking a topic/thought and following it to its logical conclusion.

Here goes nothing!