Oh Elf...

I absolutely love the movie Elf. I will watch it any day of the year, but make a habit of watching it as often as I can throughout the Christmas season... Its on TV right now as I'm catching up on emails etc. so I'm watching the last hour and I just feel compelled to share just a few of the reasons I love this movie.

1. While it doesn't exactly point to Christ- I do feel like it reminds us of more of what Christmas SHOULD be about.

2. "Baby its cold outside" I absolutely LOVE this song & don't remember really loving it that much before this movie.

3. Just as smiling is Buddy's favorite- laughing is mine and this movie CRACKS me up.

4. I am always reminded of why I live by the standards I do when it comes to guys when Buddy takes Jovie on a date... I want that- someone who sees life with fresh eyes and realizes each moment is an adventure. :) Love it.

5. Its just so stinking quotable!!

6. Its family friendly. :)

... and so many more. Oh buddy the elf, how I love you.

one day...

One day, when I am a rock star, I will make a killer Christmas album for all to enjoy. And by all, I mean those who like to sing along loudly, slightly off key, laugh a lot and from time to time, remember what Christmas should actually be about... Here's the track list thus far- any suggestions?

1. O Holy Night (this has always been my #1 favorite Christmas song to sing in church...)

2. My grown up Christmas list (is that the real name of that song?? Anyway- you know, the one where she goes "Noooo more lives Toooorn apaart, and wars would never staart... It just makes me glad inside to belt that out in the car)

3. Jingle Bells... the funny kid version (the classic jingle bells is fine and all, but why doesn't someone come out with the "batman smells, Robin laid an eggg, batmobile lost a wheel and the joker got aw-AY version? classic.)

4. Christmas Shoes. (I don't care if its played out. That song, without fail, brings a tear to my eye when I really listen/sing along... He just wanted to get some shoes for his dying mama. that's love.)

5. All I want for christmas Is YOU (Mariah will probably have the upper hand in singing the song well, but just wait until you see my sweet dance moves.)

6. Mary Did You Know (I'll probably have to have a guest artist on this one... probably Randy Travis with his sweet deep souther voice. I'll just like hum in the background, it'll be amazing.)

7. Christmastime is here... From Charlie brown. (for this one I'll get all the little kids I know to sing with me. SO GOOD!! haha)

8. Heaven's got a baby (A little off-beat, beautiful Christmas diddy... you may not know it, but trust me, it'll just add to the amazingness of this album...)

Okay. I realize an 8 track CD is a little lame- so I'd love some suggestions & I full intend to (given that I actually remember that I started this...) add to this list in the coming month.

:) Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving and a solid start to the holiday season!

... I wish I could blog from the bus. I always think really great thoughts while I ride on the bus, staring out the window, trying to force people around me to make awkward eye contact, waiting patiently to arrive at my destination. But once I get off the bus, the thoughts tend to fly right out of my head... Alas, if only this could be a bus thought blog, your lives would all be enriched.

Instead I'll leave you with this- today while on the bus I was looking out the window and saw this mom carrying her kid- he/she was probably a year old, maybe 18 months- anyway, it's not THAT cold out yet, however the kid was totally decked out "A Christmas Story" style and its arms and legs were stuck sticking straight out from its body (I'm sorry to call the kid it, but well, I have no clue if it was a boy or a girl...). Anyway the mom had her arm around the kids body so then its head, arms and legs sticking straight out in big puffy winter gear *kind of* made it look like a starfish. I literally laughed out loud at the sight.

... I'm pretty sure people who see me on the bus very often think I'm insane. I'm okay with that. :)

packing up

People who've been around me during transition can tell you- when I'm packing, run for the hills. There is something about the process of packing things up that just causes all the nervous energy of transition and the future unknown to turn into feeling stressed, overwhelmed and all around cranky. I try to hide it, but it inevitably happens and I inevitably have to say my apologies for my cranky pants behavior...

Today was like a day long "packing up" attitude. I didn't identify it until too late in the day, but with my new job starting tomorrow, today was full of tying up loose ends and attempting to prepare myself to go back into the world of being busy. While I didn't have to actually physically pack anything and make choices about what clothes, shoes and books I would be taking with me on the new journey- I did have to come to terms with all of the unknown that awaits me. I realized as I was driving to the airport to pick up my roommate, I am nervous. I've always been able to find ways and things about my jobs that I really like, whether that be working in the dorms, working in medical records or my time at Youthworks- I generally found ways to have fun, enjoy my work and be good at what I was doing. Last year was the first time that I struggled with that. I didn't just naturally excel at my position... and I didn't enjoy or look forward to going into the office. I'm afraid of that happening again. While the humbling experience of not being the best Area Director ever has taught me a lot- I don't want to fail again, I want to have fun and I want to be content.

Its amazing to me how cool in theory I can be with the unknown, yet when you put it right in front of my face, I freak out. Little things cause me so much stress- I've honestly spent hours thinking about what I'm going to wear tomorrow (as the dress code has simply been stated as "we're really casual, you don't need to dress business professional"... I need more than that people!!). I know one week from now I'll have started to settle into a groove and figure out how to accomplish all the tasks that I previously alloted for my daytime activities, but today, I'm just nervous about it all.

I guess all of this really just goes to say- today was proof you should still avoid me when I'm packing...

So much love in you...

Stated quite simply, I love my life. I have chosen to fall in love with the awkward, widespread, chaotic tangle of relationships and experiences that are my life. Don't get me wrong, I go through ebbs and flows with the best of them, I wish I could say I spend everyday as brilliantly content with things as I am today- but I would contend as I've gotten older I've learned to spend more of my days this way.

I've come to terms that I will not ever live in community the way I did in college again. IWU and my life there was a unique and beautiful chapter of life... its over now- lets be honest it has been for awhile, so its time to see the unique beauty in my current chapter and let me tell you, it is an amazing chapter that I cannot wait to go back and look over and understand more fully all I'm learning. Things are different these days. My friendships look dramatically different. The way I spend my days looks different. But at the end of it all when I take a moment to step back and look what my life has become I just have to confidently and emphatically state- I love my life.

Change is on its way!!

So, this is officially my last week of being unemployed... well that is until I get the bright idea to quit another job without having any lined up for afterward (lets just be honest, its fairly likely I'll do it again, I'm a loose canon these days. haha). I finally snagged myself a paying job. I'll be working just a few miles down the road from my apartment- a quick half hour bus ride will get me to my new office where I'll be working for a company that plans tours around the US for foreign exchange students. I'll be traveling again with this job, going with the exchange students on the tours- however I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these tours will be to places a little warmer than Northern Minnesota and South Dakota!!

The search has felt long and its been frustrating, but its good to know that at least the search for a paycheck is done for now. PTL. :)

Life's not fair

Last week I was heading to a friend's house up on the northeast side of Chicago- I had just gotten off the train and was walking the few blocks to her home while talking with a friend on the phone. I noticed a police car slowing down beside me and immediately felt a little parnoid- worrying that in my distracted state I'd somehow broken some sort of walking law. A moment later the car pulls into the drive a half a block in front of me and the officer steps out and stops a couple walking in front of me- asking for their ID, what they'd been doing that night etc. The couple was just walking along- just as I had been (except maybe less distracted as they weren't on phones!). I was baffled by this. I'd heard people in my life talk about being stopped by the police when they were walking, my neighbor jokes that he can't leave the house to walk to the garage without ID, just in case- but I always thought it was just jokes. I have found myself wondering time and time again in the past week why this officer saw fit to stop this man- to keep him from his intended destination.

A little less than a month ago, while I was out working, my roommate was startled in the middle of the night by the sound of gunfire- shots had been fired just across the street from our house. She got out of bed and discovered that in addition to the gunfire, a car that was parked on the street had been set on fire. I got home at about 6am the next morning and she filled me in as she got ready to head to work- it just all seemed surreal. I'd heard gunshots from my old place and even once since moving here- but to have it that close...

Reality is a hard pill to swallow. To walk home at night and see kids that should be tucked in bed out running around cursing at each other, to see men and women standing on the corner begging for mercy- for help, to watch people as they get on the bus just to get out of the elements for a little while, it can all get to be too much. I find myself wishing to go back to my former life, to go back to a place where the reality of the inner city doesn't have to be known, or at least to find away to hide myself from it somehow. I struggle to know how to deal with these realities. I realize its not my job to fix them all, but I also realize its not my place to stand back and pretend injustice, corruption and pain do not exist.

Once again as I sit here writing- I feel like this is all just an incomplete thought. I miss being able to write out what I'm thinking and being able to come to some logical conclusion.. beyond that life's not fair.

Hi, my name is Katie and I'm a hypocrite.

Consistency is something that I hold in very high regard. I love people who I know I can count on and who regularly commit to some symbol of friendship. For a few months a friend of mine would call me every week, without fail, pretty much always on the same day at around the same time- the most beautiful part of this though was that it wasn't something he and I planned out each week, setting a date for the next week, instead, he just consistently called. I honestly loved it and love him for it... now, in the past month those calls have waned, both of our schedules look quite a bit different than they did when we first began our solid phone friendship- but I still feel I should count him a good friend because for months he was so spectacularly consistent. Another friend, when I moved away for the first time and was living with people I barely knew took it on as her mission to call me very regularly- close to every day, she would send mail and in general just find ways to make sure I knew she was thinking of me. Again, during that time this consistency made me feel so loved and cared for.

You would think, being that I hold consistency in such high regard, I would be a more consistent person. Sadly, the opposite is true. I'm awful at things like remembering birthdays, calling when I say I will and really, all and all doing ANYTHING with consistency... I realize this makes me a hypocrite, but I also realize this is part of what makes me, well, me. I like to think that if I saw someone in need of me consistently that I'd be able to pull that off, that I could be dependable and come through for those people. Maybe this is a bit of hypocrisy in my life I should start working on...

finished.

So, today was the last day on my journey to run every day for a week. I got up this morning and headed out the door. I ran about a mile, mile and a half total before walking a few blocks home... a good end to the week. I feel confident that today is not the last time I will ever run... but I also feel really confident that tomorrow I will not get up and go running. So. The verdict is, day 7, I still *mostly* hate running. There was that first day- one week ago- when I got home and just felt good and like I'd accomplished something. I'll try to remember that feeling & ignore the other days. Maybe come Tuesday I'll head out for another days run...

5 and 6... so close to done.

So, yesterday I didn't write about my running experience because, well, there was nothing notable to write. Really, today was the same. My great hope a few nights ago that I'd wake up one of these mornings and decide that running really is just so worthwhile has worn off. Tomorrow will be the last of my 7 day commitment and I'm looking forward to not having this obligation I put on myself anymore. I think there is a chance I'll run from time to time... but there's also a chance I won't. I just truly don't enjoy it. Part of that, I'm sure, is that I don't run enough- even this week I've really only run about a mile in total each day- I usually make myself walk for awhile too so I'm gone 20-30 minutes, but its just not enough.

We'll see what happens next week... but I will say- Saturday morning running is probably my least favorite. I hung out with a friend last night and didn't get home until around 1 this morning and then was hoping to go to an art festival this afternoon so in order to get a run in before I needed to leave I had to set an alarm. Alarms just shouldn't go off on Saturday mornings! Oh well. I survived it. We'll see what happens!

I've made it over halfway... sort of.

Today was day #4... of 7... so I've run more days than I have left to run. But todays run was LAME. I had breakfast plans with a friend so I set my alarm for 7am (yes, I do realize in the real world this is not early, in unemployed world however, this is the earliest I've been up in almost a month.) I crashed early enough last night that 7 shouldn't have been painful, but the honest truth is I just struggle in the mornings, so I got up, brushed my teeth grabbed my ipod and headed out. I ran to the park. But talking myself even into that was tough. I wanted to quit and walk several times. My legs are still sore- not as bad as yesterday though, it was mostly just that I felt tired before I even started running I think.

However, after my lame run today, I'm going to bed with my legs feeling fairly decent... and tomorrow I'm sleeping until I wake up (aka not setting an alarm) and am feeling strangely hopeful and excited. For some reason in my head day #5 is going to be the turning point. Getting up and running tomorrow will be the day when this doesn't suck. Ha- tune in tomorrow to see if that's the truth...

the problem with running is...

So, here's the thing. Walking is my main source of transportation... well, that's an exaggeration I suppose- walking and the bus, but, to get on the bus requires walking and to get anywhere from the bus requires walking and if I'm going someplace within a one mile radius I generally just walk.

Walking sucks when you've been running. I woke up this morning with sore legs once again (this time I was much less surprised by it though- so that's good right??) went and picked up my neighbor and we jogged down to the park. We walked around the park and then jogged part of the way back home. Better than day 2, still not as good as day 1 and the end gain, the feeling of success that came after that first days run is still missing. But tomorrow is another day.

... sadly tomorrow I need to be up and going earlier. I hate setting an alarm as an unemployed person! haha Just kidding... but it is funny to me that after a summer of being up and going by 7 (at the latest most of the time) each morning I'm now struggling to drag my butt out of bed at 7:30. My how quickly my body clock changes!

wonder, awe, beauty in the world...

I believe in the power of wonder, awe and choosing to see beauty in the world around you.

I just saw a preview for the movie version of "Where the wild things are" and just got overwhelmed with this knowledge that I have to see that film. Its the same way I felt about Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium... as I sit here thinking about that movie I want to go to Wal-Mart and buy it and watch it. I need a good dose of wonder, a good reminder of how very big life is, how very big the adventure of getting up each day and living should be.

I feel that lately I've allowed the shine to wear off of life.

"Love the moment and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries." Corita Kent

This has long been one of my favorite quotes... Corita Kent, her art, her life, her legacy are all things that motivate and astound me. If you don't know who she is, google search her. haha. She's fantastic. But that's not the point of this post.

Getting back to the point...

This thought- these ideas of the wonder of life... I genuinely believe that is how God calls us to live- in awe and wonder of His great creation, His great love for us, His power. So why don't I? Why, when I've got all the time in the world, do I sit in my apartment, playing on facebook or watching silly TV that I don't even kind of care about? Why don't I spend more time out on adventures? Why don't I say hello and talk to anyone and everyone I can? Learn their stories, show them love, embrace life.

This is a lot of rambling, but hey, that's what I do best. Think, ramble, hope. I'm realizing though that this is the change I need in me... well, not this as in the rambling, instead this idea of loving each moment and allowing the energy of that to catapult me, to spread beyond that moment- that's how I must live. That's how we should all live I suppose...

Day 2... oy.

So. Today I actually had things to do (aka interview for a job for over 3 hours...) which meant I had to set my alarm and get up to go running. When my alarm went off this morning I definitely didn't want to move... I hit snooze once and considered hitting it a couple more times, but then remembered I'm a grown up and I can be committed to things so I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and started down the stairs...

Here's the problem though, as I was getting out of bed and brushing my teeth I realized I am sore. My legs hurt. Not to the point that I couldn't go run, but to the point that I felt whiny about it. so, I went to see if my neighbor was up for the journey this morning, but timing didn't work out so I took my ipod and headed out.

This morning felt much less successful and victorious. I ran about a mile out to the park and then a bit further... then decided to walk for awhile, headed back toward the house fully intending to run again at some point in the journey... but well, that mostly failed. So. I did run this morning, but I feel like its going to be a long sore week. hahahaha

Speaking of lists...

So, I have this list of things that I want to do before I die. Some things are completely silly and ridiculous, some are a challenge to myself, some are dreams I sometimes forget I once dreamed... As I've been living life as an "funemployed" human being I've been thinking I should really start hammering out some of the things on the list, but alas, many of them require spending money and traveling (darn my wanderlust tendencies). However, there is one thing on the list that requires only time and well, discipline. I want to run for 7 days straight to see if at the end of the 7 days I hate running as much as I did at the beginning...

So I got up this morning and decided it was time to go for it. Its starting to feel like fall so 8am is still good running weather (in my humble opinion anything above 70 is just WAY too hot for me to run in haha) and well, I've got the time. I put on my "running shoes" aka my sneakers that aren't converse and went down the stairs. I stopped in to say hello to my neighbor and ask them not to lock me out and my wonderful friend asked me to wait 10 minutes so she could get ready and go with me. So, I sat and played with her kids for a bit and then off we went.

We ran down to Humboldt Park, walked around the park and then ran back. The run to the park was great. Its just under a mile from our door to the park and when we were about a quarter of a mile away you could see the park in the distance and I knew what I was running toward... The walk around the park was also enjoyable. I forget how beautiful it is down there. The run back was rough. It was harder to know how far we had to go and I was tired from the previous run/walk- but having my friend with me pushed me to push myself and her at the same time.

So. day one was successful and left me wanting to give day 2 a shot. We'll see what happens...

another list...

I'm realizing just how much in life I like to make lists. I don't know when this happened. Being a human that tends to lack structure (and enjoy the lack of structure) in my life, I'm not sure what the paradox is that I love lists and organize my closet... maybe I'm a closet type A, just too afraid of the ramifications of that truth to admit it. but I don't really think so.

Anyway, below you will find a list of things I want to learn but lack the motivation and gusto to do so. Feel free to pick one and kick my butt about it until I take the necessary steps to make it happen...

Things to learn:

1. Spanish. My life would be so enriched by learning spanish, I could interact so much more with so many people in my neighborhood and in the world in general

2. Intercessory prayer... I whole heartedly believe in it, feel God calling me to it for so many people, yet due to a lack of understanding, I get overwhelmed too easily and forget about it.

3. Community Development and systemic change... I've got a few books that I keep thinking I'm going to read to learn more about the ideas of systemic change that need to happen in the world around me- I start in on them, but I'm such a here and now person, the big picture things are sometimes too lofty for me. That doesn't mean I get to give up on them though.

4. How to play the guitar. There's a perfectly good guitar sitting at my parent's house right now that technically belongs to my brother, but I'm fairly certain he'd be okay with me taking it... I just need to get it to Chicago and then actually PLAY until I get good. :)

5. Photography. I love pictures, I love taking pictures, I want to learn how to take good pictures. This is art I can understand and interact with, I really want to...

6. Cars... Life goal #567 (okay, I really don't know if its 567... actually I know my list doesn't go that high) is to fix up an old classic car. I feel due to my tendency to be a hands-on learner though, I need to find someone who already knows this trade and is willing to let me hang out...

that's the list for now. there's other things. but for now, this is enough. If I could make these 6 things happen, what a different person I'd be. :)

a thought to be developed at a later date...

I want to change the world. I want to make a difference, an impact, leave a legacy. I want to be someone exceptional, I want to be a catalyst for a better world. I want to change the world.

Yet. as I sit here, I realize, I can't even manage to change myself.

Epic fail.

Attempting to learn.

No more excuses.

Things I would like to find in the next month...

1. A job that I can fall in love with.

2. A mentor... that's a grown-up, who could potentially help me sort out the chaos I've turned my life into.

3. A fantastic place to see live music that's cheap.

4. A handful of friends that are ready for adventures in the city.

5. A bible study... where I am challenged to study the bible more regularly and think logically, intellectually and analytically about my faith and what scriptures say.

6. White cheese dip in the city.

7. One more roommate. Anyone interested??

8. Someplace to volunteer and spend time with teenagers.

Hmmm... better get to work. :)

I have so much to learn...

Well, its been awhile. Here's what I've learned about myself, I like the idea of a blog way more than actually blogging... I get a little overwhelmed when it comes time to actually write posts- I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to writing I suppose. Anyway...

The summer came and went. It was a wonderful mix of insanity, joy, frustration, challenge and laughter. I got the opportunity to get to know some amazing people- the staff I supervised all cracked me up and just brought me so much joy- even in the crazy crazy moments. Joy was chosen this summer and I appreciate that immensely. My co-workers and other random friends I met through the summer were also all fantastic, and those friends who were always willing to have nice long sit down talks with while I was driving all over the world helped me keep my sanity so well.

I realized as I was thinking through this summer and the last year of my life- I have spent a TON of time alone the past 12 months... living alone last year left me with PLENTY of alone time (sometimes too much, haha- I don't know that I'd say I always used that time productively, oh well!) and then this summer each week I'd spend quite a few hours in the car driving from place to place each week and generally spent each Friday all alone typing up reports. Now that I'm back living with a roommate and good friends around, I'm intrigued to see what happens when this alone time starts to get eaten up. I love people, that's the truth of who I am and will never change, but I also love my down time- I love being quiet and still and taking time to just think (sometimes I've found I think far TOO much...).

The above paragraph feels a bit like an incomplete thought... but I'm still figuring out what I think about all that. hahaha

After the summer I had an amazing chance to take a little break and head out to California for a week. I got to spend a little quality time with my brother. I tend to forget just how much I enjoy spending time with him- but being out there just reminded me. I like that kid. He's pretty funny and just an all around good guy. I appreciate that about him. I got to see a handful of other friends as well and went with a few girls that were friends from YouthWorks so it was fun to tell summer stories and all that good stuff. The only downfall of the LA trip is that... well, I didn't want to leave!! Not even kind of... to the point that I may have kind of tried to miss my plane. But. I didn't. I got back here to Chicago, safe and sound and am trying to carve out a life for myself here. We'll see how it goes...

Things I've learned in the past 24 hours

1. Licking 30-some envelopes in a row is a bad idea. No matter what. Even if it seems easier than going to get water/sponge to use, even if it seems quicker, even if it doesn't seem like that many. You will inevitably get a paper cut on your tongue and taste the glue on the envelopes for, oh, the rest of your life.
2. My backpack is not water proof. I really feel backpacks SHOULD be more or less water proof, but aparently, that's an optional quality and one mine missed out on. Good thing the bank will still take my soggy checks.
3. People being pregnant still completely freaks me out. I thought maybe I'd grown up a bit in this area, but I have not.
4. When you have allergies you should really just take allergy medicine. Its worthwhile.
5. You should always not only write down directions, but then remember to take them with you when going someplace new on the train, especially the lines that run underground. You will most likely NOT be able to just figure it out, especially when it is pouring down rain, therefore getting to learn other fun-facts (see #2)
6. They DO still sell cinnamon tic-tacs... I hadn't been able to find them for awhile and it made me a little sad... but then yesterday at the convenience store all that sadness was turned into rejoicing. :)
7. I love my life. ... Okay, maybe that's not something I learned, just something I was reminded of yesterday. But it certainly is true.

leap of faith.

Question of the day… What would you do with your life if money, resources, time, talents, whatever else you may find to stand in your way, were not an issue? How would you use your days? What would you do?
It breaks my heart a little to admit that I’ve come to a point in my life where I genuinely do not know. I’ve been here before, when I got to college I had burned myself out I think, I was lost and void of dreams and vision. I was blessed to have a dear friend/mentor come into my life and challenge me to live in freedom… and I did, for a while, a couple years I’d say- I lived in the freedom and knowledge that I serve a God that is bigger than me. I had fun with life- I went on adventures. I dreamed big and stepped off a couple cliffs- always knowing that at the end I’d either grow some wings or someone would catch me… or that I’d at least be tough enough to take the fall. And sometimes I did fall, sometimes I got bruised up, I got my heart a little stepped on, but through it all, I was alive. So very alive.
But in the last year and a half or so (maybe longer…) I’ve slowly slid back into this human nature thing that tells me that I need to do something logical. I need to plan and plot things out. That the feeling in my gut that tells me I am LIVING, that I am in the center of God’s will comes second to the #’s in my bank account that tell me I can survive another 20 years.
There are all these little magical moments I can think back to over the last year or so when I had glimpses of who I want to be, who I found I could be, who I think God has made me to be, but then fear creeps in (and by creep I mean invades like the allies on the beaches of Normandy during D-Day) and I find myself back trying to figure things out on my own.
I was talking with a friend recently about this sudden realization that I’ve got a death grip on my life. I don’t know when it happened that I even started holding on again, but now it seems I can’t let go. I’m consumed with thoughts of financial responsibility, knowing that someday I’ll probably want to retire and in order to do that I need to plan well… what happened to the days where I said- Hey, if I make it to 26 I’ll be doing well. ??
Today my prayer is a return to freedom. A return to the knowledge that the world IS big and scary- but that my Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills and as long as I’m following His lead, I need not worry.
Here’s to freedom to dream again…

Confession, I'm a feedback-aholic.

So, I am currently in Fort Wayne visiting my family/taking a week to step back from all the insanity of my recent days. There is always this strange phenomenon that happens when I come home with lots on my mind...
Last night I got to my parents house around 11:30pm and was pretty much prepared to drop my suitcase and climb into my bed, but instead, I found myself going through my old preaching portfolio from college, reading and re-reading the feedback I got from my peers as well as my professor. Its funny to realize that when the world starts to seem out of control, what I turn to is the feedback that reminds me I am capable... but also that reminds me of areas that I've been told/shown I need to grow. I think what was most insteresting when I looked at the clock last night and realized I'd stayed up until 2am sitting on my old bedroom floor with my college notebooks spread all around me was that I was making lists in my head of things I STILL need to be working on and I found comfort in that.
I've always said I'm not someone that is in need of a lot of encouragement and the older i get the more I realize that I am pretty much the same amount correct and incorrect about that. I don't need an ice cream cone- the pats on the backs and good jobs that people offer easily and daily. I can live without those, not that I don't appreciate them when they are offered (okay, lets be honest, I don't, but I'm working on it...) but for me that is not what is encouraging. I am most encouraged by feedback, good and bad. When someone takes the time to tell me if I'm doing something well or what I need to do to be able to say I'm doing a job well I feel, well, almost inspired. Feedback and direction. I'm addicted. I love them. I thrive with them... but when its missing, I find myself complacent and overwhelmed.
I think my love of feedback is something I appreciate about myself... but I'm finding that my dependence (read:addiction) on feedback is causing me some struggles. Being that I can't cope/function fully without it leaves me very dependent. (note, my deep need for independence/recent realization that being dependent on others is not entire negative is a WHOLE other topic...) If I don't have a supervisor/mentor/someone in my life who is willing to give me honest feedback, I start to falter.
This is becoming quite the rambling... i guess what I'm saying is... I'm addicted to feedback of others, I need to learn to be okay with my own internal feedback... but in the mean time if you want to tell me how I'm doing, I'd love it. :) haha

How exactly do you define a commune?

So. I've been having all these thoughts for awhile now, but I've been too scared and hesitant to put them down on paper. I took the internship with Greaterworks last year because of them and have been praying and thinking and searching for the last few months because, try as I might, I can't get rid of them...
I feel like I can't do this whole living alone thing anymore... I really wish I could sometimes- I kind of love it. I clean when I want to, make as much noise as I want to, never have to worry about anyone else's mess, really, never have to worry about anyone else. Its fantastic... in the very selfish only thinking of me kind of way...
You see, there's something in my heart that says- this isn't it- this isn't enough- you've never settled for easy so why are you doing it now? I've whined at times about how hard it is to really invest in my community while I do the job that I'm doing- I travel a lot and I know that for at least 3 months out of the year (AKA the summer) I won't be living in Chicago and yet I can't help but feel like that's all just a cop-out.
I have this... well, for lack of a better term, vision, of a place... of a house, where I live with a handful of other people, on purpose. We live in the neighborhood I currently live in, and we live with open hands. We live with open doors. We live realizing nothing that we have here is ours. We live trying to better other's lives, realizing that in so doing, they will better ours. We take time to tutor kids after school and hang out with teens on the weekends, we teach ESL classes (and by we, I mean the other people who live in my dream world who speak spanish) and maybe we even teach spanish classes for those wanting to reach out better, we host small groups, bible studies, movie nights, hilarious 80's themed parties. We pray for one another, we pray for our neighborhood, we pray for our city, we pray for our country, we pray for the world. We take time to prepare people for ministry- we dont' worry about costs and money- we trust that our needs will be provided, we don't believe in equality, we believe in equity. We work hard at the jobs that we have and come home to a refuge- a place of love, beauty and honesty...
I know, maybe it sounds too farfetched, idealic... but that's my vision. I pray I would find ways and people and places to make it a reality.
Anyone up for it? :)

so blessed.

So... Monday was my birthday. Big old 24... which by my calculations means I'm pretty much a grown-up (or not at all... whichever you choose to believe). But, the beautiful thing about my version of being a grown-up is that in the midst of it- I have the best family ever. My mom, dad, sister and niece all came to Chicago this past weekend to spend time with me for my birthday. They all stayed at my apartment with me (which, for those of you who have seen it, is a tight squeeze) and we just had an amazing time. We got dinner together and then did some little things around the city. On Sunday they walked to church with me and then in a hilarious turn of events, we walked home from church in a downpour. We all just laughed and enjoyed it. As they left I was so sad to see them go- but so glad to have a family that loves me enough to give me my independence and yet still come and be with me when I need them.
I am so blessed.

Peace and Hair Grease

You know when people are all amazingly "hip and cool" and can say things such as "Peace and Hair Grease" or "Amen Sister Friend" and get away with it? (or, not really get away with it, but continue doing it because, well, hey, why would they care?) Yeah... I was just thinking of that.
Anyway.
Today has been a CRAZY day. Got up this morning and we spend the first almost 5 hours of the work-day moving boxes, fans, kitchen supplies etc. from the south side of Chicago to the North side of Chicago. I definitely will not need to find time to work-out tonight (ha, I say as though I actually work out regularly.) Oh, the random joys that come with doing my job. Then, we finally get to the office and there's just so much to do, but only like 2 hours to do it... so I scarf down some lunch- partially from hunger and partially because it was mac and cheese and sweet potatoes from boston market- aka heaven in your mouth, and off I go to meet with my dear boss Heidi... Where I just so happenned to knock over my Izze all over the ground at starbucks. Oops, klutzy Katie strikes again. I get back in time to return a few phone calls and then its quitting time... AKA time to use the internet at work (because that's where I have fee internet) to write a handful of emails, research some options of places to live next year (I so miss living communally with other human beings. Love my apartment, love my own space, miss people...), and now, write this post.
I'll leave here in a few minutes and head to small group, one of my favorite times of the week, good people, good food, lots to learn... I'll most likely be there until close to 10 tonight, then finally get home around 11 and fall into my bed. Oh bed. how I love it.
Life. that's how I'm living these days folks. Just thought you should know. :)

It's gonna get easier

I feel like I am at such a strange point in life... and maybe because of the ways I choose to live life this strange point will someday be realized as just the norm for me- but I kind of hope that isn't true. It feels to me that I've been transient for far too long. I feel like I've spent the last several years never physically out on the streets, homeless, but without a real permanent address... barely even with a semi-permanent one! A week or two ago I started thinking realistically about what I'm going to be doing this summer... and what that means for my life as a whole. I really do love the summer with YouthWorks- I love all of the people, the organized chaos, youth, serving, teaching others about the God I feel so blessed to serve... but it means I have to leave the life I feel like I am just finally beginning to build behind.
I have really enjoyed getting involved at River City- the church I found in my neighborhood. I show up on Sundays and actually see familiar faces. Its such a beautiful thing! I am involved in a small group and help with the kids program and a couple other ministries. Its hard for me to realize I have to put those all on the back burner for the summer... that I will leave, and life will go on and I'll come back and have to jump back in. I have a real hope that next fall will be much easier to jump back in, but there is still this feeling that Chicago is still not my home. I wish that it was... and I hope that in the next few years it will be, but right now, I'm just waiting.
There's this song by Joe Purdy that makes me think of the way I feel about life these days-
is it gonna get easier
is it gonna get tough
are the waters gonna open wider
or are they gonna get rough
are we gonna have to sink right now
are we gonna get to paint this town
deep blue and green, the colors of her eyes lookin at me
early in the morning

Will it ever get easier? Or is living this life only going to get harder the longer I do it?

I can see a lot of life in you...

The word hope has been all over the place lately. I recently picked up a Rolling Stone magazine that chronicled all of the articles they’ve done on Obama as well as including several interviews and speech manuscripts. I was struck by a headline that had been on a previous Rolling Stone cover with Obama, hailing him “A new hope.” At first, I smiled, thankful for the idea of change, hope and optimism coming back to our government, but after that rolled around in my head for a moment I felt overwhelmed by the true sadness of the statement.
For so many in this country- and apparently all over the world- Barak Obama is their hope. They are looking to him to fix all the problems of the world today, to restore America to some idealistic memory of a perfection that we never were… they are looking to him to be their savior. To realize that broke my heart. It’s funny to think that in a place toted and attacked for being a Christian nation that we have lost site of our true hope. I won’t lie, I got caught up in the Obama hype- I would love to see the change that he campaigned so strongly about happen. I would be amazed and so proud to see our nation lose its segregations and prejudices and unite as one. I’d be even more amazed and proud to see this happen in the world… but I do realize how idealistic these thoughts are. I also realize that Obama has a long road ahead of him, all uphill.
What I’ve come to conclude by all the thoughts of Obama and Hope is that its time to turn to our true hope. Its time to focus on the truth that comes in following Christ and knowing that He will work things out for His glory- a hard truth for me to lean on, I rarely feel any sort of certainty that I even begin to know what that means… but a truth none-the-less. God is our hope. Christ was and is the only true savior, our only true hope. Let us rest in that and pray that He would be the one to guide our new president.

one man's trivia is another man's wisdom

Things I am very bad at:
-Showing up at weddings (sorry to all those whose weddings I've missed. Trust me, it'll be hard to get me to even my own someday...)
-Living a disciplined life.
-running (I hate it. so much.)
-math (kind of. there was a time that I was very good at math, I don't know what's happenned...)
-driving. dude. seriously. there is a reason I don't own a car.
-keeping in touch with people... consistently. (I am working on this one.)
-not making jokes or laughing when I feel awkward
-moving on... I'm kind of a dweller
-understanding politics on my own (I need good teachers)
-being a grown-up. WIERD.
-dealing with other's inconsistency. which is quite hypocritcal of me, I do realize.
-remembering that I want to have pictures of things.


... yeah. hahaha. I've got my faults. good thing there's this little thing called grace in my life.
I've just been thinking a lot lately about some of things and how they've been used in my life to teach me different lessons. It constantly amazes me how very good friends can be okay with me flaking out (okay, not entirely flaking out, there usually is a reason... which is usually YouthWorks) on their weddings- I mean, that's a huge day to miss. I'm amazed at the love they show me. I also recently got in a car accident... in a company vehicle. That sucked, but again, I found grace in the midst of it.
I think if I was good at everything... or even good at lots of things, I'd miss out on some of the most amazing things in life- being offered mercy, grace and compassion by the people around me.
Thank you friends for your love.

farewell.

As I sat and listened to President Bush give his farewell address last night I felt such a sense of… ethnocentrism, understandably, in his words. Don’t get me wrong- I am not one to bash Bush, I don’t know enough of politics or the inner workings of government to be anything but thankful for the opportunities living in America affords me. But I do know something of people… and of humanity… and have consistently found myself frustrated by an American close-mindedness to realize that we are part of something bigger. President Bush talked of Americans he had met along the way through his presidency who are doing amazing things, in and for this country. He talked about how he sees the good in this country in those people- resiliency and hope… and I can’t help but think those are not traits of strong Americans- those are the traits of a strong person, those are traits that bring about the good in humanity. When we are able to come back from pain and suffering, leaning on the hope that things can and will change- or in my ideal world, leaning on the hope that Christ is moving within our midst working through each up and down of life… that is when humanity is its strongest- not just America.
Yup. those are my thoughts...

a wink and a nod.

I've been thinking a lot lately about people. About the way people treat each other. The way I treat others. About the way people look at each other- or don't look at each other as they walk down the street. I do a lot of walking down the street these days... and sitting on the bus or the train, and its sometimes very sobering to watch the world around me and realize how much I add to the lack of interaction.
I've been thinking a lot lately about need as well. What are our needs? Food, shelter, water? What about relationships? Do I really need to invest and make friends in the city? Or is it okay to wait until my dearest friends come from near and far and just enjoy the times they are here? What are my needs?
And all this thought about people and needs has me taking in humanity in a different sort of way than I usually do. I offer a smile more often. I try to say hello to those who don't look away from me. I offer my seat on the bus to those who could use it more. I take my headphones out and my nose out of my book and take a good long look at the world around me.
Its wierd, but I think just those simplest acts- smiling at someone as you pass them on the street, talking to the crossing gaurd at the bus stop, giving your seat to the woman with too many bags in her arms... these are the things that set us apart. Its not carrying my bible around everywhere quoting scriptures... instead, living life with joy and love and compassion, KNOWing the bible and not being afraid of truth.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35